Tuesday, December 15, 2015

I can see clearly now.......

I like to tell myself that the depression is gone. But is it really? Or am I just in a happy moment, day, or week. This current "phase" of happiness has lasted longer than any of my past "phases." Usually, they last a day and then someone does something that puts me back into that place. My not so fun place.

I would try to make my happy moments last but I usually knew that it would come to an end soon. It usually would. I got to the point that no matter who did what to me or about me I would keep a smile on my face, especially when I was around the people who hurt me.

I don't know if the people around me realized I was depressed. I tried to hide it but I think that hurt me even more. If you are close to me, do not hide your feelings or your depression. I hated having to hide my feelings around the people I know and love. It probably did more damage than not.

I'm finally starting to realize that I was self harming myself by not showing my feelings. It wasn't something I wanted to do or tried to do on purpose, it just kinda happened.

Over the summer, one of the students at my school committed suicide. It really opened my eyes more to depression and what happens if it doesn't get taken care of. It broke my heart that people would get so depressed that they would end their lives. Truth be told, that news of hearing about the passing of a fellow classmate really changed my life. I was headed down the same path and my eyes were opened when I saw how everyone was affected by the loss of our friend. I didn't even know this student personally and it affected my life. I only knew him by seeing him in the hallways. When I saw how everyone reacted and rallied with his close friends and family, I realized that I didn't want my friends and family to have to go through that because I made an unchangable decision. #ctH everyone still rallies with his family. Our football team represented our #69 all season. Everyone keeps his spirit alive by wearing their pink shirts and pink bracelets.

It was one day over summer or football season that my eyes were opened and I could see clearly. I could see what was going on in my head. It was over those weeks or months that I started, slowly but surely, working on getting out of this depression.

I am ending this year way happier than I started it. I am ending it feeling beyond loved by so many people.

Being depressed is like being stuck in a dark rain cloud when everyone around you is at the beach on a sunny day.

I am now at the beach on a partly cloudy day.

And....

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

Much love and God bless,
Dakota

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